If I was the Villain of a Medieval Story

by on August 10th, 2012

 

  • I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
  • One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
  • After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks’ time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
  • If the beautiful princess that I capture says “I’ll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!” I will say “Oh well” and kill her.
  • If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess’ cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
  • I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
  • I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
  • I will not rely entirely upon “totally reliable” spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talisman.
  • I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans. I will then lie to her, and see if she betrays me.
  • When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around. Not that the key will be anywhere near the hero.
  • If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
  • If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
  • If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he’s my trusted lieutenant.
  • I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero’s party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
  • I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
  • Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
  • All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
  • My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
  • If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am fortunate enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will not graciously allow him to retrieve it. I will kill him instantaneously. After all, I am an opportunist, ain’t I?
  • I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”
  • When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, “Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?” my reply will be, “No, just sensible.”
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